From Codependency to Inner Union
I often have no logical reason for why I make decisions, other than following my heart. Moving to Denmark (again) was one of those radically heart-based decisions. I knew in the core of my bones it was the right move for me to make. And I haven’t been sharing very much about it because it’s been a deeply inward process for me, inviting me to face what it really means to “follow my heart.”
My heart always leads me to what I need, if I’m willing to look at what is here for me. The beauty of it is that my heart doesn’t even have to be completely purified to show me exactly what needs to be seen. It’s been clouded by layer upon layer of distortions and codependent patterns of secretly hoping to find the love I’ve always longed for in another person and finally have the perfect conditions in which to bloom and relax and live happily ever after. It can be such an inner battle to admit these layers are here because of the arrogance and shame around all the “work” I’ve done in this department—“Shouldn’t I be completely healed from this by now?!”
It’s not just in relationships that I’ve been subtly (and not-so-subtly) outsourcing my power and sense of wellbeing to the nearest, most loving man (or fighting against doing this). Thankfully, this hasn’t happened with anyone who has had malicious intentions, but the way that I’m open on this level is naive and dangerous in itself. In the past, I’ve ended relationships because I could feel that the other person was taking the place of God in my life. It’s not a role that they asked to play, but one that I unconsciously appointed them to.
With each round of approaching this twist in myself, I’m coming into contact with deeper nuances of the distortion, and the desires underneath it. The longing for Union has always felt like a hot pan that will burn me if I touch it. I’ve reacted to in in a variety of ways—hyper-independence, trying to control men into behaving how I want them to, chasing after men, choosing men I’m not fully attracted to, manipulating myself into being someone I think someone else wants. All of the reactions are based on a belief that this Union is something I need to “get” from outside of me. The truth is that Union starts inside of me and then creates my reality from there.
Inner Union means being the bridge between the two seemingly opposing worlds—between what is conscious and unconscious, light and dark, inside and out, spiritual and physical—where the illusion of separation can no longer exist. I’m deeply grateful for the way my heart has led me into a relationship that mirrors to me where this Inner Union has not yet taken root, where my discernment can be sharpened, where I have an openness to manipulating and being manipulated. Not so I can judge the shit out of myself and retreat into a cave where I can finally heal myself to completion and then emerge in some perfectly enlightened form, but so I can engage with reality as it is, allow myself to be fully loved as I am, embrace all of the wild beauty and imperfection in my heart’s dance.
May we all relax into the wholeness that exists within us, exactly where and as we are now.