PSA: Love is a Renewable Resource
A few months ago, I was talking to Rebekah (my wonderful and amazing life coach) and I said something like "I know I need to love myself before I can accept love from other people." She stopped me and said, "I'm not sure that's true--I think I fundamentally disagree with that." (What?! How dare you question one of my limiting beliefs?!) "I challenge you find out if this is true--is it possible to receive love even if you don't love yourself?"
Fast-forward several weeks after I've pretty much forgotten about the challenge. I'm sitting in a busy coffee shop with a new friend who has become a good friend very quickly (one of my favorite kinds of friends!). I tell her about what's going on in my life, in that "open-book" way where I casually plunge into the depths of my soul. (If you've ever had a conversation with me, you know what I'm talking about.) I don't do this to be an over-sharer, but I do try to be a "just-right" sharer--I enjoy taking an honest look at my feelings and sharing any insights while they're still fresh. Being open in this way comes naturally to me--I'm doing it right now--but it is not true vulnerability.
As I'm sharing with my friend, she listens in a way where she hears the rough edges of my experience that have not been wrapped up so neatly and draws my attention to them, lovingly holds space for them, gives me space to feel the things I've been avoiding feeling. Naturally, I burst into tears and feel like a burden--"I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry! I was just lightheartedly telling you about a painful experience!" Looking back, it was not my pain that fueled these tears, but the tenderness of my friend coming to my level to really hear me, to see the ugly parts of me and love them. This is when it hit me--"THERE'S FREE LOVE AVAILABLE HERE! JUST TAKE IT, KATIE!" It is so limiting to believe that self-love needs to be my primary source of fuel. I might think I'm being less of a burden by being self-sufficient, but in reality I'm cutting myself off from connecting with others and I'm rejecting their love in a pretty arrogant way. "Nahhh I love myself enough, I don't need whatever you have to offer." It doesn't hurt anyone to take their love because LOVE IS A RENEWABLE RESOURCE.
All this to say, the jury is in. It is FALSE--absolutely false--that we need to love ourselves before we can let other people love us. Because who loves themselves enough? NO ONE! (I mean, you can love yourself a lot, but if you think that's all the world has to offer you in terms of love, you're selling yourself short.) Maybe the first step to loving yourself more is simply letting someone else love you. In fact I think it's more vulnerable and healing to be in a state of utter self-hate, feeling insecure and worthless and letting that part of you be seen and loved by someone. It's one thing to theoretically believe "you can accept love and not love yourself," but it's another thing when your face is covered in your own snot and tears in a busy coffeeshop with tourists gawking at you.
There is love being extended to us from all over and it is absolutely okay--and good--to take that love and feel it. You don't have to feel like you deserve it. If it's real love, it's probably not given because you've "earned" it--it's yours because it's for you. There is unlimited love out there and you area allowed to take as much of it as you can get your hands on. You don't even have to worry about returning it. The cool thing about love is that once it gets inside of you it comes back out and makes you love things too--it might even help you love yourself! The next time you see a teary face or wandering soul, you'll automatically extend the thing you once needed so desperately.
To conclude on a very cliché/obvious note: Love is infinite. Rebekah was right. Get out there and accept all the love you can get your hands (heart) on!
