How I Talk to the Tantrumming Toddler Inside of Me
Yesterday I listened to Oprah's Super Soul Conversations with the Geneen Roth, the author of Women Food and God (a book I've had checked out from the library for about 3 months) and holy crap it helped me put my relationship to food into perspective. Sometimes I judge myself for talking about my eating disorder recovery so much and so openly--here I am writing a blog post about it again. "Shut up Katie, keep your relationship with food to YOURSELF. No one cares, everyone eats, it's not a big deal. Just get recovered. Chill out, realize that food is just food, and go back to living a normal life." But the reason it feels wrong to do that is that my ever-evolving relationship with food parallels my relationship with creativity, spirituality, the flow of my entire life. I am grateful to have such a clear black-and-white marker of when I'm feeling off-course. Wanting to eat when I'm not hungry means "Heyyyy Katie slow down for a second and think about what the screaming child inside of you needs."
I think that we all have a three-year-old inside of us trying to get our attention. Mine often makes herself known by eating Oreos when she's not hungry. My inner screaming toddler isn't miraculously grown up and "fixed" now, but my response to her is different. I used to respond exactly how she wanted me to, by getting mad. "What the fuck toddler Katie?! You ate half a jar of peanut butter, pumpkin pie, and as many tortilla chips as you could steal from your roommate without her noticing?! Time to [insert punishment, e.g. run 5 miles, do a double of Bikram yoga, make yourself throw up, eat nothing but protein shakes tomorrow]! You are bad!" If working as an early intervention occupational therapist taught me anything, it's that this is no way to talk to an emotionally dysregulated 3-year-old. That's exactly what she wants!! To get a rise out of you, get your attention (even if it's negative attention). You get tricked by focusing on the behavior rather than what's going on underneath it. Your three-year-old learns she needs to act-out in order to get the love and attention she wants so desperately, even though her underlying needs aren't really being met. In fact, she'll probably act out even bigger next time rebelling against your tyrannical "I'm the boss of you" punishments.
A big part of my recovery is changing the way I talk to the part of myself that is acting out with food. "Hey Katie, I notice you're eating all of the ice cream right now. That's okay. You can have all the ice cream you want! When you're done, we can talk. I'll wait. Oh, what's that? You have a tummy ache? That's no fun. Don't worry I'm not mad at you, everyone eats too much ice cream sometimes. It doesn't make you bad. What's going on? Are you feeling sad or lonely or scared? What are you really hungry for? You want to play some music? Do you need to clean your room? Is there a way you can fill your soul to satisfy yourself? You can try to fill the hole inside of you with food, but if your body isn't hungry that won't feel very good." Wanting to eat when I'm not hungry is really a gift when I can approach myself with this kind of non-judgmental curiosity. There is absolutely nothing wrong with eating ice cream, but it's important to recognize if I'm doing it because I really want it or because I'm trying to run away from some feeling I'm having.
I'm committing to not judging myself for still having the desire to eat when I'm not hungry. Sometimes I worry it means I'm not fully "fixed" or "recovered." The truth is, I'll probably always have this urge come up when there's something uncomfortable happening under the surface. Instead of judging myself for feeling this way, I can see it for what it is--a window into my inner life where I can see and nurture the hurt parts of myself. The truth of my life is right under the desire to overeat or control my food and body. I'm giving myself permission to treat myself with openness, curiosity, and compassion whenever I want to eat when I'm not hungry. I'm also giving myself permission to keep talking about it. Because these are things I used to feel ashamed to talk about, but they are actually the keys to understanding and feeling connected to my real feelings and life.
If you want to hear a more eloquent rendering of all of these reflections and realizations, listen to Geneen Roth talk to Oprah about them here!: