My First Three Decades in Review: A Birthday in Paris

I wasn’t going to let my 30th birthday come and go without posting at least a messy version of a year-end review. (Hey, remember, that’s your thing Katie, giving yourself permission to be messy—perfect is the enemy of done!) I woke up this morning in Lisa’s apartment in Paris, a bit later than intended. I had wanted to get up in time to walk to the Eiffel Tower and watch the sunrise, like I did the other day, which sounds way more ambitious than it is, as the sun rises at 8:37am (so reasonable, so leisurely, so Parisian). Instead, I let myself sleep until I woke up naturally, a cool new thing I’ve grown accustomed to doing.

I went for a birthday run this morning around Lac Inférieur (which was anything but inferior) in Bois de Boulogne, as recommended to me by Lisa. It was gorgeous. I even have a picture of myself there, as I had offered to take a picture for a couple struggling with a selfie—“Do you want me to take a picture of the two of you together?” This has unintentionally become my pick-up line throughout my trip and has yielded a surprising number of new friends (two I can think of in Paris—hi Marzieh and Spencer!) and was also the driving force behind my patented, ninja-like hitchhiking strategy at a glacier lagoon in Iceland (when I finally get around to posting that story, I’ll link to it here). Sometimes it results in photographic reciprocity and I get pictures of myself in front of cool things!

Here's that casual Parisian sunrise you've heard so much about.

The people who took this had no idea I was hitchhiking!

The blessing and the curse of being empathic and connecting easily with others is that I often get swept up in the energy of the people around me. Nothing feels better than sharing someone’s joy or pain—opening in a way to allow their feelings to become your feelings and your feelings theirs. That’s the beauty of being human! The thing I’ve had to learn, and am in the exciting, beautiful, sometimes tumultuous throws of learning to do now, is how to connect with my own intuition. I have made a fierce and sacred promise to myself to get to know and learn about who I am on my own and in the presence of other people, places, and situations. I don’t have to travel the world to learn to do this, but it’s the most fun way I could think of. I had another fun, mathematical realization on my run that it’s been 4.5 years since I left a 4.5 year relationship, 2 years since I left a 2 year relationship, and 4 months since I left a 2 month relationship (that felt like 4 months…let’s call it 4 for the sake of symmetry). I’m in some sort of relationship inception! There is a lot that I miss about being in a relationship, both the specific ones I was in and the general idea of having a partner to share my life with. The biggest gift of my life right now is that I get to be in a relationship with myself. What does this overly cloying phrase mean to me, you might ask. It means I get to ride the highs and lows of my life with me by my side. Life is like being in an arranged marriage with yourself. You can’t get out of it, you might as well learn to love to yourself, learn your preferences, learn to be compassionate when you fall short of your own expectations, learn to appreciate the moments when you feel on fire with love and adventure and learn to hold yourself when you are met with devastating grief and loneliness. The joy is real; the pain is real; and you get to be there for all of it. I am grateful to be here in my life, present. I am grateful to have rarely felt alone on these first three months of solo-traveling. I am grateful for friends and family near and far, old and new, that have made me feel at home and like I always have a safe home to come back to. I’m grateful that the tears I’ve cried today have been happy tears. I’m grateful that I like hanging out with myself.

Finally, I remembered on my run to go back and read an excerpt from a journal I wrote a little over 8 years ago. My intuition used to speak to me in brief bursts like this, and I would do my best to get it down, try to listen. Reading this always makes me hurt a little bit for past-Katie who was trying to so hard to be “right,” but mostly overwhelms me with gratitude that most of these things are true now.

November 16, 2010

I have nothing good to say. I always feel like I need to do more for myself, but I never know what. So today I bought a new journal and came to Starbucks for a delicious peppermint Mocha Latte. I must know what I want…I just need to be more conscious of it. And that’s going to start right now. I’m going to write for an hour every day. Write anything, reflect on anything…doodle even. That should enough for me to get back in touch with my brain…I think :) I also need to exercise every day and ACTUALLY eat healthy. I just want to feel good. I hate “having” to do things I’m not passionate about. It’s not even that they take up that much time…but knowing they’re there is exhausting. Not doing my work stresses me out more than doing it. I wish studying were the most stressful thing in my life. Knowing I’m creating most of my stress worries me more. I’m always either really bubbly or really laid back. I want to be just a balance, preferably closer to the laid back side. I’m living for the present. The future is going to be great if now is great. I went to Zumba class today at the Lyon Center. It was really fun and it actually made me feel really happy. I have a headache right now, but maybe I’ll go to another class at 5:30…that might be too much though. I hate setting goals for myself…they’re stressful and limiting and I usually demand more of myself than I could possibly do. I’m going to imagine who I want to be and pretend I’ve always been that way. Like I haven’t eaten red meat in 5 years, I run at least 3 miles 4 times a week. I write poetry often. I never check Facebook. Like, never. I don’t feel obligated to anything or anyone except myself. I am nice to my mom. I talk to my brother once a week. Beautiful music makes me cry more than anything else. I have the best friends in the entire world, and I tell them that often. I am passionate, driven, and free above all. I take no opportunities for granted. I drink enough water. When someone asks what I’m going to do after college, I am excited when I tell them I’m going to be an OT. I go home often and love it there. I don’t care about money. I don’t want to get married until I’m 25. I don’t live for anyone except myself. I am wildly independent. I don’t like or need alcohol to have fun. I can be silly, but not too silly. I have a pretty voice. I sing every day. My brother is my best friend. I don’t like candy.

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Thank you for a great 30 years, life! Now please excuse me while I go sit and watch the sunset over Paris with my new sketchbook and a freshly baked baguette.