Embracing My Inner Jerri Blank

"It's rare for a pretty person to be so good at playing ugly characters." An improv coach of mine wrote this to me in a holiday card once and at the time I wasn't 100% convinced it was a compliment. I understood he meant I was good at committing to choices even if they didn't make me look attractive, but part of me wanted to make sure that everyone still saw me as attractive anyways. "YEAH I KNOW I'M PLAYING A DOUBLE-CHINNED CROSS-EYED LANDLORD, BUT YOU'D STILL WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME RIGHT?!"

Fast forward to now! I dressed up as Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris in Strangers with Candy) for Halloween and as I was walking around with an overbite smile, a belted double sweater, and old lady Keds, the thought occurred to me: "This is what I would be if I let myself be myself all the time." I have all of these shades of quirkiness inside of me that I'm sometimes reluctant to let out because I'm thinking too much about how I'll be perceived. I wait for things like Halloween for permission to become the sillier, "uglier" parts of me. Maybe "be yourself" means make the ugliest face you can come up with and look in the mirror and say, "Yeah, I'd totally make out with you."

After my night parading around as Jerri Blank (who by the way won an honorable mention aka 5th place in a costume contest), a friend of mine saw my celebratory social media post and texted me: "The costume is great, other than that you are way too pretty to be Jerri [winky face emoji]." At a certain point in my life, I would have gotten a jolt of validation and relief from this flirtatious feedback--"THANK GOD I'M STILL FUCKABLE." This time, I felt a twinge of, "Hey buddy, I didn't need you to tell me I'm pretty." His comment was harmless and well-meaning--truly I was not offended by it. Rather, I was delighted by my indifference to the affirmation. As much as I hate to admit it, I've always had the tendency to seek out male approval. It's a confusing thing to want and to receive, because it often results in me not trusting the approval or feedback I get from men. If a guy says "You're really talented," all I hear is, "I want to get in your pants." Whether or not that's true doesn't matter--I've already internalized the idea that my worth is tied up in my attractiveness or fuckability. I dismiss the possibility of someone seeing me and liking me for who I really am because I assume they just like me for my outside self, my "prettiness." I don't want someone who thinks I'm pretty! The messy, uglier parts of me make me interesting. But how can I expect anyone to see me for all of those things though if I'm constantly hiding them?

When I'm in a relationship, I become goofier. I let myself be more of myself and say the things I don't think I should say because WHO CARES I have a man who thinks I'm attractive no matter what. I'm gonna push the envelope! Now that I've been single for almost a whole year (which is really good for a male-attention-seeking serial monogamist like myself), I'm learning how to be the goofy parts of myself all the time without some dude there to give me a thumbs up at every turn. (It's hard. I love thumbs ups!) I think this is part of the second of The Four Agreements, "Don't take anything personally." I don't want to look to anyone else as my source of validation or criticism. Of course, I can't control what other people think or say about me, but I can accept the opinions of others with a certain level of detachment. If I'm being my true self, I do not need to rely on the approval of others nor fear the rejection of others. I've spent a lot of my life trying to be the pretty parts of myself, hoping those would be the only parts others would see. I want to embrace my messy parts--feel my uncomfortable feelings, admit my shortcomings, celebrate my quirks. My messiness is what makes me who I am. (And plus playing ugly characters is more fun!)